Today is supposed to be a day for Mother's. I am going to be honest with you guys, I am not feeling it. I was given Mother's Day cards from my kids and they made me cry. Not the tears of joy kind either. I will tell you why later but first I must share some background.
Around the end of February/beginning of March, I began having symptoms. I didn't feel like myself, I was very irritable and yelling at my kids a lot. I also began being sensitive to noise. When the babies would scream I couldn't handle it. When things got loud I couldn't handle the noise. I also started getting very tired. Every afternoon when I finally got the twins down for a nap, I would have to lay down I was so exhausted I felt like I couldn't move. This is when I'd normally try to do school work with the kids and do laundry and prep dinner. Everything got behind. Everything. This just made me feel more overwhelmed.
I stopped sleeping. Like at all. People do not understand insomnia. The amount of comments I got about, "ya I don't sleep well either" were well intended, but so very frustrating. I had 5 kids in 7 years I know what lack of sleep feels like. I know what being up multiple times in the night is like. I had twins that needed bottle and breastfeed every 3 hours for months. I know what lack of sleep is. This isn't lack of sleep or "I don't sleep well". This is: I lay down and close my eyes and never sleep. All night. Then all of the suggestions of try this, take this, do this.... again they were well intended but so very infuriating. I had tried it all. I had went to numerous Dr's and no pill was going to work. My body was attacking my thyroid and the cure? Reduce my stress. Ok. I asked the Dr for suggestions and he had none. I was losing my mind. If you don't sleep for months you will go insane and I was.
I have not been a good mother. I have not been a good wife. I have not been a good friend. My symptoms and managing them, has taken precedence in my life. I don't feel like myself. My children have suffered. It is not easy for them to understand the things that I am doing to try to help myself. All they know is Mom is at the Dr again or Mom isn't making lunch today because she's tired. Its embarrassing and these are things I never wanted to share with you. But I know if I can be struggling on this very Mother's Day with feeling like a complete failure, I cannot be the only one. My kids cards today highlighted the worst of me over the past few months.
So I write this to you today to tell you, even if it feels like the worst Mother's Day ever and even if you feel like the worst mother ever, remember that we don't choose our children. God does. He knew how many children He would bless you with and He doesn't make mistakes. You are the best mother for your children, that's why God gave them to you. He didn't choose anyone else, but YOU. I continue to strive to be the Proverbs 31 Mother. I will fail again and again but as God has given us grace, I pray my kids can see the good in me. I pray to be "clothed in strength and dignity". I pray that my family knows how much I love them. I pray that they see the Lord through me and that my life Honors Him.
And I pray that my kids don't remember the yelling, but the deep love that I have for them. The desire to protect them that kept them home this school year.....the desire to raise them myself which led me to quit working and stay home. I pray they remember the joy they bring me everyday. I thank God for blessing me with 5 children for this earth to raise. What an honor it is.
Happy Mother's Day Mommas
